Into the Darkness (Wishing on a Star II)
by balletbaby
Summary: Read and Review! Anon Reviews enabled :) Short Summary: Trek and child abuse. NEW CHAP: Lilly's take on the 'necessary female exam'. I'm holding the next chapter hostage till I get more reviews. Yup, that's right. If you're reading, you should be reviewing, it's impolite not to review if you read.
1. Chapter 1

This is the sequel to "Wishing on a Star". You may want to read that story before this one, but you'll definitely want to read this one. MANY things that weren't mentioned in that story because they were going to be put here instead. This is to get the ball rolling.

Lilly liked that it hadn't seemed out of the ordinary at all when she'd sat down in front of Ro Laren, completely uninvited.

Ro hadn't objected, didn't seem bothered in the slightest. Ro just looked at her and asked, "What's wrong?"

Lilly wasn't aware that she looked like anything was wrong. But before she knew it she answered, "I can't stand myself."

Ro raised an eyebrow, sipped more of her drink and answered, "You're going to need to be a lot more specific."

The muted lighting from the bar, considering the late hour cast a dim, ghost like flush on Ro's cohort's face.

"My face, my hair- everything I see in the mirror reminds me of people in my family."

"The people who need to be in jail," Ro clarified. There was no shame in talking about it, especially since the shame didn't lie with Lilly. Neither one cared if others in Ten-Forward could hear. Ro knew, though it wasn't clear if Lilly did, that Guinan was still up, and was watching the two like an old sage from behindthe dimly lit bar. Lilly had her back to the woman, so it was possible she wasn't aware. She seemed to just seek out Ro, and finding her target, she'd zeroed in.

Lilly nodded, and they both added in unison, "Or dead."

They met each other's eyes and smiled at the unanimous thought.

"Preferably dead," Lilly added.

Ro stayed silent, but her smile widened into a grin, her eyes flashing and laughing.

"I mean, I really can't stand it. My hair, and my face- sometimes I look in the mirror and I look exactly like my mother."

"You don't like that." She answered while thinking she wished she were as beautiful as her mother, or that her mother were still alive to think and talk about, the way Lilly did hers. Although granted she'd rather die than have Lilly's mother for her own. Hell, having Lilly's mother for a mother had very nearly killed Lilly on more than one occasion.

"It disgusts me!" You could hear the loathing and ill-feeling in Lilly's voice. It was clear that she meant the word disgust literally, and wasn't just throwing the word around.

"To look like her?"

Ro nodded sympathetically, knowing why her once young friend felt this way.

"And worse, is that more often I look like my brother. Well, like a female version of him. Our facial features are so damn similar."

"That's awkward," Ro answered honestly.

"More to the point, Lilly added, "How would you feel if you saw your own rapist every day in the mirror?"

She didn't mean to, but Ro's mouth dropped open. She certainly hadn't expected that.

"I'm the culmination of evil," she continued, explaining how it felt to be Lilly Connor, "the worst people I know, are all reflected back at me in my own reflection. I hear them, their voices when I speak. How am I supposed to get away from that?"

Ro took another swig of her drink, wishing it were something alcoholic. She raised a hand in a quick motion, indicating a need for a server.

Once the green clad server appeared, Ro ordered, "Two drinks. The strongest you've got."

"Syntha-"

"No!"

The server seemed to jump, then made his way quickly to the bar.

Once the drinks, greyish brown concoctions that smoked, appeared, Ro downed hers in a swift gulp- but was surprised to see not faster than Lilly herself.

She let her surprise and slight admiration show through two raised brows.

"You know, I think I can help you with that problem." She meant Lilly's concern over her reflection.

Lilly just waited.

When Lilly didn't answer, Ro clarified. "Looking like those people, I mean."

Ro rose from her chair and motioned to Lilly. "Come with me."

Ten minutes later, Ro and Lilly were staring into Ro's bedroom mirror.

"How do you look now?"

Lilly grinned wide. "Awesome," she beamed.

Ro'd taken to Lilly's hair herself with a scissors, giving her a blunt cut that exactly matched her own.

"It's better than looking like them," she muttered.

"Of course it's better than looking at them!" Ro admonished her, slightly offended. She shrugged slightly, modestly, "Looking like me isn't that bad."

Lilly smiled. "I said I look awesome."

Ro smiled again, pleased and nodded. "You're right."

Ro walked the now-happy Lilly to the turbolift. Having said a brief, uneffectual goodbye, as neither was prone to emotionalism, they simply stood in silence waiting, knowing that Lilly would walk into the lift and go home in silence, just as Ro would turn around and leave the moment the lift doors closed. But, as the lift doors parted and Lilly stepped inside, Troi exited. Lilly said not a word to her, and quickly the lift doors closed her in, leaving Troi and Ro on the other side.

Troi had glanced in surprise at Lilly, but said nothing, simply with a nod of greeting, allowing her to depart. However, when the doors closed, she rounded on the Bajoran.

"Ro, what did you do?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Rather than fix the problem, you 'fixed" her?

"Basically, yes."

Then Ro added, "How did you know she hated herself?"

"She hates how she looks," Troi answered, correcting Ro.

"And?"

Troi, for a moment, looked at Ro as if she were stupid. "I can hear her thoughts," she reminded her, "loud and clear, whenever she's near me at all. Often all I hear is her disgust with herself, how she wishes she could tear off her skin because she hates her body, mostly her face, so much."

Ro grimaced. "So she won't have to keep looking like them." She understood the feeling. She remembered being disgusted when she found parts of her own face that were her father's contribution.

"But, back to the point," Troi circled back, "Lilly didn't need to be 'fixed'."

"Are you kidding?" Ro laughed aloud. "Maybe you need to have your head examined."

"By changing her, you're implying that the problem lies with her, not with the guilty parties in her life."

"Look, counselor," she raised her hands and let her dark eyes glare at Troi. "I can't fix what happened to her, I can't change it. But this was a problem I could fix." She raised her chin. Ro was confident in this. Nothing Troi could say would convince her she'd done the wrong thing. Troi was in the wrong here, not Ro Laren.

"But you didn't fix it," Troi insisted.

Ro rolled her eyes. They were off duty, after all. Although, as pissed as she was feeling now, she'd have rolled her eyes at Captain Picard, if he'd been so stupid as to say what Troi was saying.

Troi ignored Ro's non-verbal response.

"You provided a temporary solution that will only cause her more pain in the end, when she feels that fixing herself, changing her own looks will stop the feeling she gets when she looks in the mirror. Or, that she has to erase who she is in order to feel happy about herself."

Ro's voice rose to a yell that echoed slightly in the empty corridor. "I'm not going to judge where she's coming from. All I know is to have to go through that every day- why should she have to?"

"That's why she's seeing me." Troi's response was curt, an unexpected back-hand.

"But she isn't seeing you," Ro corrected, confused.

"She will be," Troi answered, absolutely intent on making that happen. Come hell or high water Lilly Connor would be in her office in the morning.

Then without another word, or a goodbye, Troi walked past Ro, and left the young Bajoran woman standing still at the turbolift.

REVIEW TIME! Good job! If you got to the end of the chapter, it's time to review.

"Due to the low amount of reviews on FFN in general, I'm partnering with other authors to remind you, the reader that if you've taken the time to read a story, or a chapter, you need to review it. To not review, no matter what excuse you can come up with is RUDE. Writers, post this in your chapters to remind the FFN readers to review!"

Obviously not my words, but I do agree with it. :) Many other writers, have taken their stories off FFN because people are reading and not reviewing. Others are choosing to 'hold their chapters hostage' and not post more until they get more reviews. I might start doing that. It certainly seems effective, especially when you see that you have hundreds of people reading your stories, but barely a fraction of that reviews. I wish people didn't have to take these 'drastic' steps, and they wouldn't if the FFN community would review stories with the respect and regularity with which they used to do.


	2. Chapter 2

The sound of her downstairs neighbor screaming, or even speaking terrified Lilly. So much so that she could barely function, and now, could not sleep. She was too afraid to.

Lilly shut her eyes tight, wishing she could shut her ears as well. She already had earplugs in, but they weren't enough. She'd spent money she didn't have for an expensive noise machine, like the ones they had where she went to therapy, but it wasn't enough either, even combined with the earplugs. And the sound dappening pannels on her floor under her bed, and all over the wooden floor.

She could still hear him screaming. It wasn't just the screaming that was so upsetting. It was the swear words. The bitches, and fuck-yous, and sluts, and whores. The I hate you's. The you're worthless. The you stupid fucking bitch's.

Lilly's heart was pounding as she lay in her bed. Her bed was shaking because she was.

It was what she'd been told to tell herself. What she'd been told would make her PTSD stop.

It wasn't working.

She mentally reviewed that she'd done what she did every day, every time she entered her apartment- immediately closed the door and locked all the locks. She double checked all the locks before she went to bed, usually. Though there were times when one lock wasn't locked. Lilly found then that she would not be able to sleep at all, tossing and turning instead. And finally after hours she'd get up to see that a lock, sometimes all of them were not locked, perhaps because she'd been doing laundry in the basement or checked the mail, and she'd forgotten to re-lock the door when she re-entered her apartment. But sure enough, as soon as she locked the locks she hadn't realized she'd forgotten about she'd fall asleep.

Sleep was hard enough for her to find. But now with the new asshole neighbor that lived beneath her, it was damn-near impossible. She'd gotten no more than a couple hours of sleep a night in the two weeks he and his girlfriend had been in the building.

She wasn't trying to get herself to fall asleep, that would be impossible with the man screaming obscenities, Lilly was simply trying to convince her body and brain that the man screaming in the room beneath her could not hurt her. Could not get into her apartment.

Her body didn't believe a word of it.

The truth was that he was hurting her. His words, his tone, his hate were all hurting her.

Why can't I ever have a place that's safe?

I have my own place, she reasoned, so I should feel safe. But, I don't. At all. I wanna be safe here. I don't have to worry about that stuff here. But-

She sighed again. It wasn't just the violent abusive man that upset her, even though he did sound exactly like her brother, Jason. She'd felt this same level of fear in other apartment buildings too, just from the sound of a perfectly safe neighbor walking up the stairs or closing a door.

_I need help_.

Lilly fell asleep inside a body that still shook with fear.

Troi had called this meeting of the senior staff. She figured it was important to inform them of what was about to happen, rather than letting all hell break loose unawares.

"Why has it taken this long for her to return?"

"Because she spent that span of time trying to forget what happened to her, which included forgetting us. Troi replied evenly.

"We're a reminder of what happened to her." Geordi added.

Troi nodded.

"Councelor," Picard spoke up,looking clearly uncomfortable with this new development, "I'm not certain this is a good idea."

"To be perfectly honest, Captain, we don't have control over whether she shows up here or not. She can manipulate time and space and thought in the blink of an eye. Fortunately she has no idea just how powerful she is, or I'm sure she could cause some damage."

"Who's to say she hasn't already?" Geordi stated the obvious.

"Exactly," Will agreed. "But she's hundreds of years in the past for us. Whatever she's changed, we'd never know it."

"It's not like she's a threat to anyone here," Beverly reminded them. "And," she added, "Lilly needs our help. If we can help her now," she looked pointedly at Riker, "to make up for not helping her before-"

"Not being able to help her," Riker looked right back at her unflinching.

Troi nodded. "The point is that she needs to be here. Emotionally and psychologically speaking, this is the best place for her, sir. She's coming back to the only place that she felt safe. Sadly for her, in her time she had no physical place that was safe, that offered protection. So she found a way to come here. This place was her only escape. Her haven. Being able to come here is not only what kept her sane, it is what kept her alive."

"It isn't going to be easy," Deanna continued. "She's suppressed almost all memory of what was done to her and re-exposing herself to this environment will bring up suppressed memories."

Jean-Luc cleared his throat. "Why is that?"

"When the human brain encounters something horrific, something traumatic, it often shuts down. For the adult, and the adult brain, one who has resources to cope the damage isn't as severe. But for the child? The trauma and the inability to cope with it results in damage to the brain itself. For her, in order to cope with what was done to her, her brain actively pushed aside all memory until a time when it was able to process it."

"For childhood victims of trauma, their experiences often come to light years, decades after they leave the traumatic situation or environment. When their brains and bodies believe that they are finally safe. For her, the memory of this place is intertwined with her abuse, which is exactly why she needs to be here if she is to have any hope of remembering what happened to her."

"Why would she want to remember at all?" Will's question.

Beverly answered it.

"Deanna's right. Lilly needs this. For someone who's repressed violent physical memories, those memories remain stored in the body causing physical pain and real physical damage. The brain produces an overload of cortisol when the body is stressed, and since she hasn't been out of stress, her body keeps thinking it's in danger that cortisol can build up to toxic levels. It's not that she wants to remember, she needs to remember."

Deanna nodded. "For Lilly, she's still having a difficult time believing that she was sexually abused at all. She's repressed it so well. In fact she believes that's truly all that happened to her. Likely this is why she hasn't resorted to drugs or alcohol. She delt with it by forgetting it ever happened, and whenever a reminder would pop up, she'd push it aside- that was how she delt with it."

"Her brain doesn't conciously remember what really happened to her, but her body does. Her body keeps telling her that something is terribly wrong, but she can't access the reasons why."

"How do you know all this?" Will asked her, looking skeptical.

Deanna quickly shot him a look of outraged disbelief that said as clearly as words, "Who do you think you're dealing with? Have you lost your mind to doubt mine?"

At the silent exchange Beverly began to laugh aloud, then changed it into a coughing fit. Other officers were biting back smiles, with the exception of Data, and Worf.

"What do we do to help her?" Asked Picard.

"Wait," she answered slowly. "Let her talk about it if she wants to."

"But we don't bring it up?" Beverly asked.

She shook her head. "No. Not yet. Not until she's ready."

"How will we know when that is?"

"When she willingly starts to talk about it."

"How long will that take?" Sufficiently rebuked, Will decided to join back in on the conversation about the time traveling girl.

"Some people never get to that point in their healing, Will. It may never happen."

"So, we get to know what happened to her, know all the details, stuff she probably doesn't even remember- yet we can never talk to her about it?" Beverly was agast. She hated what she knew. She hated even more that they hadn't been able to help her escape. To not be able to help her now was intolerable.

"If that's how this ends up, yes."

Understanding the look of anger and frustration in her friend's eyes, Troi added,

"What you can do, all of you", she looked at them all, " is be there for her. Knowing what you know, you can be understanding. Understand why she behaves the way that she does, her reactions and actions- and not judge her for them. Her perception of reality has been entirely skewed. She's not the same girl you knew. Not at all. She's become an entirely different person. She's had to. It's what kept her alive. And then, when the horror was over, it's what kept her from ending her own life."

"Because it was already ended for her."

She smiled gently. "A lot of people describe it that way. And in many many ways, that's correct. Who she was died that day."

"Who she was died that first time," Beverly added, "That very first day. Maybe she didn't die entirely that day, but by the time it was over- before it was over she was dead. Her soul the core of who she was was murdered. Only the body was left over. But she was rotting from the inside out."

"That's a real nice picture, Doc," Geordi grinned sarcastically.

"You think this is the first time I've seen victims of torture and abuse?" Her voice was beginning to rise.

"I know what I'm talking about. I've seen what it does to people."

Her cheeks were bright red in anger.

Self-conciously, not realizing he'd be speaking of himself he looked away from both Beverly and Deanna. "Yeah," he whispered softly, "I know."

"Beverly's being honest," Troi stepped in in her friend's defense. "And Beverly, she's going to need you most of all. You knew her before. You are serrogate mother figure."

"No," Beverly was quick to correct her. "That was _your_ mother."

Will chuckled.

"It's not funny, Will!" Troi's voice was sharper than she intended. "But she did rely on you, you were the first person she sought out for help."

There was nothing Beverly could say to that. It was true.

"What about the rest of us?" Knowing the delicacy of this particular situation, Picard was reluctant and hesitant to become involved. Although, he certainly didn't want to make the situation worse.

Troi regarded her male counterparts and answered with some regret, "Until we see how she responds to men now," she took a breath, "it might be better to keep your distance. Be around if you must."

"But," Crusher spoke up, "be non-threatening. Don't surprise her. Don't speak loudly around her. Don't tap her on the shoulder. Don't come up behind her. Let her know you're around, but keep your distance."

"Counselor," Geordi spoke, looking slightly ill, "are you saying she thinks we'll rape her, or, or attack her?"

Will answered instead, interjecting his own opinion. "That's crazy! We'd never do that-never! She knows that Deanna. She knows we would never do that!"

Troi almost glared at him. Admittedly she was annoyed that he wasn't getting the point.

"She knows that? How can she know that?"

"That's the whole point. The people closest to her, that she's grown up believing she could trust, her own family did this to her. And when your family destroys you, if your family will do such horrors to you, what's stopping anyone else? That is how you think, how you must think, to survive and stay safe."

Worf voiced what was on everyone's mind."She's survived by not trusting anyone."

Review time! And I'll do a compromise. Every five reviews, I'll post another chapter. Hopefully this chapter made sense. I tried my best to shorten it.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, Lilly, can you tell me why you came to see me today?"

_Because I'm damaged?_

_Because I can't function?_

_Because I'm nuts?_

She was so depressed by the sad truth of those answers. They were all true, and they all sounded horrible.

Crap, she realized, I don't have a good answer. A safe answer. One that made her sound normal, and not messed up.

_Damn_. Lilly realized that no answer was better than any other she could think of.

"Lilly?"

She squirmed. This was a mistake.

I can't even talk about why I'm here!

That was frustrating and maddening. If they can't help me, and I can't even talk to Troi about it how the hell am I supposed to ever get help at all?

Deanna broke the silence, her voice quiet and non-judgemental, hopefully to contrast against the self loathing thoughts she picked up on from Lilly.

"You know, sometimes what brings a person to counseling is too difficult to speak about at first." She needed to direct Lilly to a problem that didn't seem a direction reflection on her.

"Can you tell me what they did to you? The family that abused you?"

She knew abuse wasn't the proper word for what Lilly had endured. But she knew that was all Lilly remembered. That they'd only abused her. Nothing else. Nothing worse.

It wasn't difficult. Troi hadn't expected it to be.

Lies are easy. She knew that deep down somewhere Lilly knew the truth. Otherwise she wouldn't be quaking in her bed at night, seeing the sun rise wouldn't strike dread into her heart. And, she wouldn't be here, on the Enterprise.

If Lilly truly believed that all they'd done to her was simple abuse there would be no physical reprocussions, no mental anguish.

So when Lilly looked Troi in the eyes, and without a single flinch, without a shread of emotion answered,

"My step siblings and my brother abused me for a summer."

Troi wasn't surprised.

She sat and waited. Waiting for the silence to do it's task.

Lilly waited with her. Stubborn.

"Can you tell me exactly what they did to you?"

Because she was empathic Troi felt the jolt of terror fill Lilly, though outwardly at the request, Lilly's face, her body betrayed no emotional change whatsoever. When really, Troi knew that Lilly felt threatened.

Lilly remained silent.

"You came to me for help, didn't you?" Of all things Troi didn't want the girl's time to be wasted.

Lilly looked away from her. Then, with an expression of both regret and disgust she said, "I thought you just helped people with stupid things. Idiot boyfriends, transfers, job insecurities, normal things. Death, divorce, not-" She stopped short.

Troi saw no point in further delay. She spoke the truth.

"Not torture?" She asked, meeting Lilly's gaze.

The counselor's voice was melodic and steady, even carrying such horrible words. Lilly swallowed and looked away with a shiver.

Troi let the silence between them lay. She felt terror surround her. The heavy feeling wrapped around her like a blanket. Out of respect, she averted her gaze. This wasn't the 'simple' fear of speaking to a therapist. The word "torture" opened a slew of horrible frozen memories in Lilly. A flood of the emotion terror, but no ground, no base upon which it could stand.

Lilly did not conciously remember it.

Glancing up, Troi finally saw an appropriate physical manifestation of the terror in Lilly's mind. Lilly was shaking visibly, her chest rising and falling in shallow rapid breaths. Her body though trembling was as stiff as steel. Her jaw set tight, defiant, determinded to win over her emotions. To subdue them. To not be subject to them. If she just held out long enough, they'd go away.

"I can sense your fear," Troi told her. "Your terror when I used that word."

When Lilly looked at her, the counselor suppressed a gasp of shock. Her patient's face had changed markedly in a matter of nano-seconds. Her eyes were wide two round spheres that seemed to nearly stick out from her face.

Now instead of feeling the terror of the past, the vice of memories, Lilly was now afraid of her. Terrified.

Lilly sat frozen, tonically immobile. Too afraid of Troi herself to move. Troi closed her eyes. And she chided herself. She could take Lilly's pulse from her seat. The artery in her neck throbbed with incread in blood flow and heart rate. Adreneline . Aside from the terror that held her Troi knew she was both mentally and physically prepared to bolt or fight to defend herself against the councelor.

Troi closed her eyes, chastising herself for her thoughtlessness. Someone knowing she was afraid was one of Lilly's strongest triggers. Lilly equated showing her fear with danger, and another person acknowledging that her fear were noticible added up to an even greater danger.

"Lilly," she kept her voice low, holding her hands up in a gesture of innocence and non-malice. "I'm here to help you. You do know that I would never harm you, don't you?"

Bitterness and anger rose so quickly Troi felt as if she'd been slapped. Lilly's eyes went from frozen to rage-filled. Nostrils flared, Lilly looked at her now in rage. Now she could move.

"Bullshit," she answered scornfully, looking at Troi with utter disgust. "I hate it when people say that."

Troi knew Lilly didn't believe a word of what she'd just said to her.

Not wanting to futher Lilly's feeling of violation, Troi decided to keep that to herself.

"It doesn't sound like you believe me."

The emotions from Lilly changed again at that point. Troi was relieved. Terror was a difficult foe. But anger? That was a useful tool in healing.

"How can I?" She was being honest now, too upset to try to give Troi what she thought she wanted to hear.

"How can I trust you? Trust anyone? Look what my own family did to me! If people that love me are capable of this if the people who are supposed to protect me do this, how can I expect better from anyone else? What worse things will non-family do to me? Strangers? Friends?"

"If my own loving family can do this," she stuck out her arm, "what's stopping anyone else from doing the same or worse?"

She looked straight at Troi, wanting an answer.

Color had risen to her cheeks. "How can you say that I know you won't hurt me?" She demanded.

Troi felt Lilly's disgust of her knot her stomach.

"How am I supposed to trust you?" She screamed. "How can I trust you?!"

"Sure," she continued as if not expecting an answer, " yo've never done anything to me-yet. But they didn't either. They were all great, until suddenly-bam!"

Lilly's anger, the anger barely covering the misery, the agony was palpable. Troi would be able to feel it empathic or not.

"You see people all the time who are kind, good people familieis that seem normal only to find out that they're monsters! Who's to say you're not?"

"How is a person possibly supposed to know who to trust?"

Lilly finally paused, waiting for an answer.

Calm as always, professional to a tee, Troi answered her. "You tell me."

Lilly wanted to hit her. She was furious, disgusted and insulted by Troi's lack of answer, along with the implication that Lilly truly should know the answer for herself.

"Th truth is you can't know!" She shouted at her. "The only way to be really safe is to never trust anyone at all. Or, at least don't trust them too far."

"Expect to be disappointed?" The counselor asked.

Lilly nodded, as if happy that Troi had finally grown a brain. "Exactly."

"Most sadists, most abusers are in positions of trust and power. They are established as caring, compassionate people- teachers, parents, doctors, priests, people you're supposed to think love and care about people so that you never suspect them. That's how they gain access by earning people's trust."

Deanna knew that Lilly's feelings and facts needed to be validated. They were all perfectly true.

"You asked earlier how can you trust me? What do you think the answer is? How do, or how can you determine if a person is trustworthy? Or," she added to include Lilly's biggest concern, "if they are safe?"

Lilly stared at her as if she were an imbicile.

"You can't," she answered flatly.

Troi blinked, recovering, realizing this wasn't going to be a short or easy process.

"You mentioned that even individuals who seem trustworthy and kind are capable of cruelty, and that's true. That's absolutely true," she nodded.

Troi could hear the self satisfied tick in Lilly's mind. The, uh huh, I'm right, and ready to use this as a defense if Troi should try to debate this fact.

"And you hinted that you can't know what happens to people what they're capable of unless you are around them all the time?"

She noded. "Yup."

"And, that's very true as well. It's entirely possible for one person to project and very successfully the image of the find upstanding citizen in public-"

"While at home he beats his wife," Lilly interjected.

Time to tone it down.

"I appreciate that you've been so honest with me. And what you know is true. I wish more adults especially more parents knew what you know. And thank you," she smiled, "for not telling me what you think I want to hear." Soley for Lilly's benefit she added, "You can't know how tiring it gets when patients do that. Especially when they think I don't know what they're doing."

But Lilly just glared at her. She wasn't placaded a bit by Troi's tactics. She realized the girl saw right through her.

"You're upset with me."

"Smartest thing you've said since I got here."

Troi took in a breath.

"You never answered my question."

She looked at Lilly gently. "The issue of trust is a very broad topic. There's more to trust than we could cover in an entire session. But, if you'd like to explore it we can begin focusing on that."

"I'm not the one with the problem," Lilly objected, defensive once again. "I'm not the one going around raping and killing people."

And with that, Lilly rose, mentioning that their time was up, and walked it. True, their time was up, but this wasn't how Troi liked to have sessions end.

She was glad that Lilly was finally seeking out help, but knew that it was going to be a long, long time before she began to feel better. Sitting alone now in her office, staring at the walls, Troi knew she may have made a big mistake in mentioning that she could see Lilly's fear. Instead of letting Lilly talk, she'd draw something out. Admittedly it was good that Lilly was able to speak the truth about her views on trust, and her fear, but neither had been where Troi had wanted the session to go. Worst of all, in speaking of seeing Lilly's fear she might have turned her from counselor to threat in her patient's eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

The second part of "Wishing on a Star". If you haven't read that, you may wish to before continuing with this story.

Troi decided to take a slightly safer path this session.

"Tell me what you remember."

Lilly shrugged.

"You mean when I first started seeing you guys?"

She nodded. "Yes."

Lilly shrugged again, embarrased. "I dunno," she answered, sounding younger than her years, 'I only remember one time...Wesley was there," she finished. "Once when my mom was yelling at me."

"Can you tell me more about that?"

Again, Lilly shrugged. "I dunno. We were in the livingroom, and she was screaming at me about something...maybe I was remembering that bit from Full House where the boy tells Stephanie to think about something else, something funny, and then Wes was there, I could see him, he was standing behind my mom, making faces behind her back, so what she was saying wouldn't hurt so much."

Troi was surprised. This was something she wasn't aware of at all.

"What happened then?"

"I tried not to laugh, but at one point I did smile, then my mom yelled what was I laughing at, did I think what she was saying was funny? Or something like that."

"And you got in more trouble," Troi added.

Lilly nodded.

"Anything else?"

Troi felt Lilly's accute embarrassment. There was definitely something else, something that humiliated Lilly.

"What is it?" She asked. "Lilly, please remember that whatever it is that you say to me, I will not judge you."

"What else do you remember?" She prompted.

"It's nothing really," she excused. "It's just...well, when I was in school, back in middle school I guess, I used to have this constant story going on in my head."

"Story? A story about what?"

"Well," Lilly laughed and blushed, "it's kinda embarrassing, maybe even morbid and sadistic..."

"Go on. Please," she added.

"Well I used to have this story about you and the rest of the crew," she admitted. "That I had been held against my will and tortured and raped and all sorts of horrible horrible things, by this Cardassian," she added, "and you guys saved me. You took care of me. You destroyed the Cardassian's ship and made sure no one ever hurt me again."

Troi made certain not to voice what she was thinking about this 'story'. Instead she asked, "How long did this story go on for? When did it start?"

"In middle school. I don't remember if it was 6th or 7th grade, maybe even before sixth grade started, but I remember that once the story got into my head, it was always there. Sometimes things would change, in the story I'd be living a normal happy life on the Enterprise with all of you, usually that's what it was about, that I was safe, but I had to tell the story in my head before I could go to sleep."

"Well, actually, I wasn't happy and safe on the Enterprise all the time," she corrected.

This got Troi's attention. Maybe she does remember.

"Tell me more about that." She hoped she didn't sound as if she were anticipating anything.

"Well, usually I, or, the character I thought about, she was me, but in some ways she wasn't. I don't have super powers and didn't have her last name. I gave her Beverly's maiden name, cuz I figured Beverly would be a better mom to me than my own ever would."

True.

"Anyhow, in the story the girl had these...side effects from her torture. There was something implanted that caused her terrible pain. The crew, even Dr. Crusher, couldn't do anything to stop it. But when it happened, and it could happen at any time, even more than once, she had to go to SickBay, and stay there till it stopped."

"What would happen then?"

"Oh, she'd be screaming her head off because the pain was so bad. She felt really bad about it, too. She didn't want to be a sissy, didn't want people thinking she was weak, but she couldn't help it. Sometimes it lasted for hours, even whole days."

Troi was fascinated by this. She wondered if Lilly had any idea that this 'story' she just happened to make up wasn't much of a story at all.

"Once in school I decided to write down my story for class, and I got an A because it was so detailed and so real- how the character in my story felt, not about an alien holding someone captive. And I didn't mention the Enterprise, or the constant pain she had after she was rescued. I figured that would be too weird, and people would think I was sick."

"Any other reason you didn't want to mention us?"

"Besides people thinking I was crazy for liking Star Trek?" Lilly scoffed.

There was a long pause, where Lilly wouldn't even look up, before she finally continued softly.

"I wanted to keep you guys to myself," Lilly continued. "I wanted to protect you, keep you safe. If I let you out into my world, bad things might happen to you."

"Why did you think that?"

"Because my world isn't safe. Wasn't safe," she corrected.

"And when did you stop telling this story to yourself?"

"I never have. I can't go to sleep without it. When I'm scared, sometimes I'll imagine the story again too, a place where I'm safe."

"Any idea what triggered this story in the first place?"

Lilly shrugged. "I have a twisted imagination, I guess."

Slowly, Troi reminded herself. At her pace. Let the memories come back when they will. Still she was flabbergasted that Lilly didn't connect this 'story' with what really happened to her. Or why the Enterprise crew had shown up in the first place.

Obviously this little story bit has more to do with what really happened to Lilly, and possibly is both more real and more telling than any other aspect. This will be re-visited. What do you guys think about this story? WHy would Lilly tell a story to herself that involved her still being in pain?


	5. Chapter 5

Troi stared at her, feeling a heavy weight on her shoulders. The weight of a lot of work. Almost as much, and more in a different way than she'd had to do in her sessions with Geordi. And Captain Picard? Well, at least he remembered what happened to him.

Deanna was still staring absently at her bowl of ice cream, replaying the last thing Lilly had said.

_"How many times did they do that to you?"_

_"Three."_

_"Did they do anything else?"_

_Lilly'd shaken her head with confidence. _

_"No."_

She was still processing her shock when Will Riker sat down across from her.

"Deanna!" He yelled.

Deanna jumped in her seat with a start. She gasped in shock when she saw Will sitting in front of her, waving a hand in front of her face.

"Will!"

Will made a scoffing sound. "About time you came back," he replied. He nodded to her ice cream bowl.

"You must have been sitting here a long time."

Troi looked where he'd indicated.

Her ice cream had melted to soup.

Will blew out breath through tight lips, almost sounding like a whistle. "I take it your session with Lilly did not go well?"

He'd been avoiding Lilly, as per Deanna's request. It wasn't easy.

She sighed in frustration, and when she looked up Will saw tears in her eyes.

Troi shook her head as she answered, "She doesn't remember anything."

Will's mouth dropped open. "Nothing?" He echoed.

She shrugged in response. "Granted she does remember some things, but nothing is close to what actually happened." She lowered her voice, moved closer to Riker and in a low tone added, "You remember that "game" they used to "play" with her?" Emphasizing the words game and play with blatant disgust and sarcasm.

He nodded.

Slowly and carefully enunciating each syllable so that Will understood her completely she finished,

"She thinks that only happened a total of three times."

Will's eyes widened.

"And, that's all that she believes they did to her."

Will's mouth hung open at that once more and he was speechless for quite some time. In fact he was speechless so long Deanna simply spoke for him.

"I have a lot of work ahead of me."

Mouth still open like a kid, Will simply nodded, over and over and over again, to emphasize not only the amount of truth to that statement, but the amount of work.


	6. Chapter 6

The first strongest physical sensation was that the tile floor hurt.

She looked in confusion at her mother's hardly used sewing kit. What was that doing in the bathroom?

Now she felt the hands holding her body down to the cold tile. The pressure on her skin, pushing right through to the bone.

"You don't get off that easily." It was Brad's voice. The three of them were all standing above her, looking down at her like wolves who hadn't eaten in weeks and had just gotten their prey.

It was terrifying.

Then all of a sudden, Lilly felt as if she were falling asleep, or maybe floating. Lilly liked the feeling. Especially if it meant she'd get to be away from the boys.

It seemed like a long time later when she noticed her body was shaking all over, like a chattering leaf in the wind. Lilly couldn't make it stop, and she was trying. They loved knowing she was scared. But she wasn't shaking because of her fear. Though she was terrified. Her body was shaking for it's own reasons, unbeknownst to her.

"Hey there."

Lilly felt her body still at the sudden new voice in the room. It was a familiar voice. A voice that was strong and confident. A voice that promised saving.

"I thought I might come down here and we'd hang out."

Silently and slowly, Lilly looked cautiously to her left and to her right. The boys were focused on-

"Hey!" She snapped, grabbing Lilly by the chin immediately directing her gaze upward. "Look up here, at me. Only look at me," she ordered. Her voice sounding urgent and serious.

Now not allowed to look directly at them, lilly could only assume that they were not seeing what she was seeing.

Lilly swallowed and tried to look around the room again. The grip on her chin tightened and the woman before her again directed her eyes back at her own.

"Just look at me," she spoke again. "We'll just have a little chat while you're in here."

Lilly's eyes widened. Something's wrong. Something's really wrong.

I'm crazy, she reasoned. That must be it. I'm hallucinating. Oh my god, I've actually lost my mind! I see them here, but I also see her here.

"You can talk, can't you?"

Again, lilly simply stared in silence.

Tasha Yar glanced in the direction of the boys, then thinking better of it reflexively held Lilly's chin.

"Don't worry," she assured Lilly, "no one can see or hear you right now, and no one can see or hear me. I figure if anyone should be with you right now, it should be me," she explained.

I'm dead. That must be it.

But, wait...no...Lilly checked in with her body. She felt pain. I can't be dead if I'm feeling pain, she reasoned. She thought it over.

Maybe I'm in hell.

Again she tried to look at the boys, who she knew were holding her down, but doing something to her that she couldn't quite make out.

Her head was jerked back so hard her neck cracked.

"Sorry about that."

Tasha Yar smiled at her. "I'm just going to sit here with you right now, okay?"

Lilly couldn't figure out how, but she was keeping Lilly from breaking eye contact with her. From looking away.

"My throat hurts," she announced, wincing. "My neck hurts."

Tasha nodded, her authoratative voice turning soft, gentle. "I know," she whispered.

Lilly wanted to get away. Make no mistake she loved that someone from the Enterprise had actually come to see her, but for some reaon all she could think of was getting away. Even if that meant leaving Tasha behind.

She struggled, but felt held down as if by an invisible wall of cement.

"I can't move," she whimpered.

"It's okay," Yar answered, "just look at me. Just keep looking at me."

Lilly felt like she was falling again, and she felt Tasha's hand jerk her back to her.

"Stay here," she hissed. "Stay with me, here. Don't leave me. Just keep looking at me."

The pain was worse now. Lilly struggled again, trying to get away from it.

"I hurt," she cried. "My jaw hurts really bad," she gasped.

She watched Tasha nod, her blue eyes locked on hers. A coldness like steel was behind them.

"Everything's going to be okay. Don't focus on that," she insisted, in a tone that implied that something very bad would happen if Lilly did. "You just listen to me," Tasha added, "you just focus on me."

Lilly wanted to get away. Wanted to fall into Tasha's arms. Wanted Tasha to take her away to the Enterprise. But Tasha didn't seem any more able to move than Lilly did. Tasha stayed crouched as she had been, one hand holding Lilly's chin.

Lilly felt exhausted. She just wanted to be held. To go away. For the pain to stop. She closed her eyes, trying to sleep. Maybe that would help the pain stop.

"No!" Tasha's voice was like thunder in her ear, it jerked her awake and her eyes open again.

"Don't close your eyes," Tasha spoke, explaining herself.

Lilly was going to ask why, but instead mentioned, "Someone's screaming."

Tasha just nodded.

Lilly winced in pain, wishing she could cover her ears.

"Tell them to stop."

Tasha smiled again. "They'll stop," she answered her. "Everything's going to be-"

The pain was worse, and instead of feeling crushed, Lilly felt as though she were choking.

She looked wildly at Yar for help, tried to speak, to tell her something was wrong, but she couldn't.

She was choking. She couldn't breathe. Lilly knew she was going to die.

Her face felt hot, her eyes wide, the only way she could communicate.

Tasha put her face right up against Lilly's.

"You look at me. You just look at me." Lilly could see and feel Tasha's panic, her desperation. Her helplessness.

"Keep your eyes open, on me, and you just listen to me. I know you can't talk right now. I know you're scared, but you're going to be okay."

Lilly just wanted to scream. To scream and scream and keep on screaming. To scream until there was nothing left in her body. Scream until she died.

Lilly was shocked when she saw Lt. Yar bend to the side and quickly vomit into the sink. Why would Tasha Yar throw up? She wondered. Maybe she's sick.

Lilly felt the familiar floating fun feeling turn into a sinking falling feeling.

"Stay here." Yar's words were clipped and sharp. "You keep your eyes on me," she ordered, turning from the sink without missing a beat. "You can't go back yet."

Go back where? To what?

She was at home. Yar was the one that would have to go back.

The sinking feeling stopped. Yar was crouched in front of her again.

Smiling a smile that felt to Lilly to be both desperate and a lie, Yar spoke quickly now.

"Do you remember when you were talking to Counselor Troi and Dr. Crusher?"

Lilly stared at her in confusion. She hadn't spoken to either of them, not together at least, and she knew she hadn't spoken with Counselor Troi.

Tasha seemed to remember something and added, "Blink once for yes, twice for no."

Lilly blinked twice.

Tasha Yar was gone.

Lilly saw the open bathroom door, the carpeted hallway and heard silence. She knew that the boys were gone, had left her here. She could feel the silence, the stillness. No longer feeling eyes in the dark watching her, waiting to pounce. Lilly no longer felt stalked like prey. Every instinct in her body told her that danger had left. She was free.

As the realization sunk in Lilly began to notice other things. Pain, physical sensations. Her mouth hurt. Her jaw, the back of her head. Her feet. Mostly her feet.

Still only looking out the bathroom door, Lilly touched a hand to her mouth and winced. Where her cheek had been was now a gash, a tear, a gaping hole. Lilly pulled her hand back as if she'd touched fire. She looked at the fingers that had touched the hurting place. Her light fingers were coated in blood, mixed with something sticky, like spit or glue. She tried to open her mouth, worried that her jaw might be dislocated. Searing pain where her lips joined her cheek was her response. Lilly descided that moving her mouth now was probably not the best idea.

Then her attention was drawn to the area she remembered wanting to run away from. She remembered the screaming now.

Lilly looked down at her feet, and realized what'd likely caused most of the pain she'd been feeling. Blood was running down her feet. Like a porcupine her feet and ankles were stuck through with her mother's sewing and knitting needles.

Lilly's eyes flew open and were met with darkness. Her entire body was shaking and covered in sweat. She was terrified.

"Holy shit," she said aloud to the empty room to help calm herself. "What a horrible nightmare."

Still terrified she pushed aside the covers, ready to stand up and make some hot cocoa.

"Thank God it was just a dream," she assured herself.


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey!"

Lilly stopped in her tracks, halfway to the kitchen. She was startled, but not terrified, because the voice was familiar to her. Better yet, it was familiar and not dangerous.

She turned around and saw Ro Laren sprawled in her lounge chair. Turning her ipod off, Lilly asked,

"What are you doing here?"

Ro nodded to the device in her hands and ears, sending her earring swinging at the motion. "Why are you doing that?"

"How did you get here?"

"Don't deflect. You've been trying to ignore me, all of us."

"What are you talking about? I spend a whole bunch of energy going to see Counselor Troi, making me talk about-"

"Stuff you don't wanna talk about."

Ro gave her a knowing, searching look.

"Sure, you spend maybe a half hour a couple times a week thinking about some aspects of what happened to you. THe rest of the time?" She held up her hands, "You either have that thing planted in your ears, blaring so loud you can't hear yourself think, or," she stood up glacing both to Lilly's tv and computer, "you spend your time zoning out watching television or sucked into that thing you call the internet."

"So?"

Ro sighed, loudly. With annoyance. Something that Troi would never do.

"Maybe Deanna's willing to indulge you, or maybe she doesn't know what you do when you leave her office, but I do. And I'm not about to baby you and watch you make no progress all the while saying that you're trying."

"You need to really think about what happened to you."

Lilly grimaced, but her answer was instant. "I don't want to think about it."

Ro laughed a triumphant laugh. "You see! That's the problem. You only want to go so far. You keep saying you don't know what happened, but let me tell you something- you do. If you didn't know, you would never, ever spend so much time trying to drown out the thoughts in your head. Trying to stop the memories from coming back."

"Maybe you haven't heard, but all I've been doing is trying to remember! That's why I'm here! That's why I came back!"

"Because connecting with us again would jog your memory? Why? What do we have to do with what happened to you?"

Lilly opened her mouth, but found she had no answer. "I,' she paused, trying to remember, "I don't know."

Ro stepped forward and pulled the ipod from Lilly's tiny hands. "And you never will until you really commit to this. Shut these things off, and really focus on you. On your brain. Your memories. What really happened."

"I don't want to," Lilly looked down at the floor, her voice a whisper.

She felt Ro's strong hand on her chin, lifting her face up till they were looking at each other. When Lilly's eyes were upon her, Ro smiled a small, gentle, sympathetic smile. "I know," she answered softly. She let out a slow shaky breath. "It's not going to be fun, not at all. If it weren't awful, you wouldn't be so afraid to remember, and be trying to keep yourself from remembering in spite of yourself.

Lilly felt small, and as if she were going to cry. She hated crying, so she yawned instead, halting the impulse instantly. "You have us," she reminded her. "Isn't that really why you came back in the first place? So that you could have a safe place to remember?"


	8. Chapter 8

This was taken pretty much word for word from Lilly's blog. Taking a bit of a different turn on this. I don't think any of this was touched on in the first part of this story. About Lilly being a ballet dancer? Did I mention that in the last story? Anyone remember? Anyhow if I didn't, she is, or was, and that's going to be mentioned in here. There is some 'adult' material in here, specifically, a pelvic exam. So, just to let you know...

"So what seems to be the problem?"

Lilly was embarrassed. She hated to take up the doctor's time, but this wasn't a simply yes or no question. So she went into the story of when she tore her left thigh muscle, and then the right, and then her groin started hurting, then her whole pelvis, then it hurt to sit up, sitting on bags of ice, putting ice into her vagina, the works.

The doctor stared at her for a moment. Apparently no one had ever had such a problem before.

"And there was no trauma to any other areas?"

Lilly shook her head, noticing she felt cold in her flimsy paper gown. "None."

"You didn't do anything that caused the tear to your right leg?"

Lilly tried to remember. It had torn a bit after she'd propped her leg up in a door frame. But it tore in the exact same spot as the other leg. She told the doctor, who seemed to not be a ballet dancer that she tore it stretching, but after she was done stretching. And yes, she'd warmed up.

"Ice in your vagina?"

Lilly nodded.

The doctor winced, then seeming to gather her resolve and approached Lilly.

"If you'll lie back I'll just give you a quick exam."

The doctor lifted the paper gown, exposing Lilly's abdomen and hips. Gently she pressed around on Lilly's internal organs.

"Does that hurt?"

Lilly shook her head. "No."

That's not where the problem is, she thought.

"Here?" The doctor was pressing over Lilly's kidney.

"No." She tried not to sound annoyed.

The doctor continued working her way down Lilly's abdomen. With no response the doctor finally pressed over Lilly's ovaries and uterus. Lilly's face was contorted in pain immediately, and she had to clamp down her mouth to keep from screaming or making a sound.

Unfortunately for her, the doctor chose that moment to not pay attention.

"Well obviously none of these areas are tender," she commented.

"Except for the place you just fucking touched!" Lilly screamed at her mentally. She was wondering whether or not she should tell the doctor she'd just felt incredible pain when the doctor placed her fingers just over where the muscles in her side attached to her hip bone.

"Ow!" Lilly yelled out and winced visibly.

The doctor placed her fingers about an inch away, following the line of the hip bone.

"Ow!"

The doctor looked concerned, and gently touched the next muscular-tendon attachment.

"Ow!"

Lilly felt like crying.

"Okay, that's all the attachments on that side, let's try-"

"Ow!" Lilly yelled again as the doctor pressed on her right hip.

Continuing down it's ridgeline Lilly continued to let out a cry of pain at each touch.

The doctor let out a breath but said nothing specific.

"If you can bend your knees up I can check the muscle attachments on the inside of your legs."

Lilly did as told.

The only difference this time was that the pain was much worse at the inner thighs, causing Lilly to whimper in pain, trying like hell not to cry.

She noticed the doctor looking at her as if she were a confusing math problem.

"And you've never had any injuries to this area before?"

Lilly shook her head.

"One muscle tear doesn't cause this much damage," the doctor answered. She looked Lilly in the eye.

"You're sure? You've never had any other time that these muscles were hurt? Falling off your bike?" She offered. "Slipping on ice? A bad fall down the stairs?"

Lilly shook her head.

"You've never had any injury to this area that you can recall?"

Lilly looked pitiously at the doctor. "Nope," she answered truly apologetic that she couldn't be of more help or give the doctor better answers, "none. Nothing other than that stretch last year."

"Which should have been healed by now," the doctor answered and nodded to Lilly.

"Turn over on your stomach, I'll check your back as well."

Lilly did so.

"Any pain here?" The doctor was prodding all along Lilly's spine.

"Nope." The answer was confident because it was true.

Then the doctor again placed her fingers on Lilly's hip bone.

Lilly winced in pain.

"That hurt?"

Lilly nodded. "Yup."

"Here?" She pressed her fingers again, following along the line of the hip bone.

Another nod.

The doctor repeated the same procedure on both sides, getting the same results there and said, "Now I'll check deeper into the muscle tissue where your glutes attach.

Oh god. Lilly knew what that meant and was embarrassed. That meant she was going to literally touch her ass! She was glad she was facing away from the doctor, so the woman wouldn't see how embarrased Lilly was.

Lilly yelled in pain at the first touch, obliterating any reserve of embarrassment. The further down the doctor went the more painful it was.

The doctor checked the hamstring attachments, which were also painful, before finally stopping.

"I admit this is the most baffling medical exam I've ever performed," she spoke as Lilly sat up.

The doctor stood a moment staring at Lilly.

"Since we have you here, why don't we do a pelvic and rectal exam to rule out any internal issues."

Lilly just shrugged, and assumed the standard position, placing her feet in the strirrups at the doctor opened them from inside the exam table. I hope she didn't expect me to answer that like she was offering me a trip to Disney World.

When all her tools were assembled and the doctor was seated on a rolling chair at Lilly's feet she asked, "When was the last time you engaged in sexual intercourse?"

Lilly was a little shocked by the question,but then she remembered this was a new doctor.

" I haven't," she answered.

"You've never engaged in sexual intercourse at any time?" The doctor's words were a combination of shock and disbelief.

Lilly shook her head as the doctor tried to muster up a face that did not judge.

"Have you ever been sexually abused?" She asked the words casually and followed them immediately with, "Do you feel unsafe at home? Is anyone abusing you?"

They were standard questions.

"No," Lilly answered the first question with a lie. What did it matter anyway?

"No," she lied, answering the second question.

"And no," she answered in truth.

"Okay," the doctor smiled. "Have you had pelvic exams before?"

"Yeah," she answered in a tone that said, who hasn't?

"Okay, I'll get started then."

Lilly stared at the ceiling as the felt the speclum being inserted. She wondered what other women did during this particularly awkward exam.

"Have you ever been sexually abused?"

For a moment Lilly thought she was hearing things. Hadn't the doctor already asked that?

"Um, no, I haven't," she answered, lying, she knew but she sure wasn't about to tell the doctor the truth. She'd never said the words to anyone, she wasn't about to start now.

"And you've had pelvic exams before?"

"Yes," she answered wondering why the doctor was asking such odd questions now.

"Have you had any difficulty during previous pelvic exams?"

"No." Lilly knew something was wrong.

"Do you use tampons?"

Woah, getting a little personal, aren't we?

"Um, yeah," she tried not to allow her body to show how awkward and weirded out she felt.

"Have they ever fallen out of you?"  
Gross! No!" She answered quickly. This was disgusting. What was this lady's deal, anyway?

"Okay," the doctor answered slowly. Lilly felt her push the speculum into her again.

"LIlly you're pushing the speculum out."

What? This lady is on crack.

"No, I'm not," she answered.

"You actually, are Lilly. The moment I try to put the speculum inside of you, your muscles push it right back out at me."

Lilly laughed aloud. This person was nuts.

"I think I'd know if I were pushing the speculum out," she answered candidly.

"Here, I will re-insert the speculum," she began. Lilly felt the motion and pressure. It didn't hurt. It didn't feel like anything really.

"And your muscles are pushing it out already, and I haven't even fully inserted it," she told her.

Lilly sighed, exasperated. Come on body, what the hell are you doing trying to embarrass me. She already thinks you're enough of a freak cuz you're a virgin! Get with it and stop embarrassing me.

"Just try to relax," the doctor offered.

"I am relaxed," she answered. It was the truth. She was one of the few people she knew for whom a pelvic exam didn't hurt- with the exception of her first one, of course.

The doctor tried a third time. "Nothing," she announced.

"Here," Lilly offered, holding out a hand, "put a glove on me."

"This isn't standard procedure, but considering the circumstances..." she placed a latex glove on Lilly's hand. Immediately Lilly pushed the speculum inside of her body.

"See? No problem."

The doctor started her exam. "You're pushing it out again," she answered. "The moment I touched the speculum your body started rejecting it."

"Well just do the exam anyway. Hold it there, whatever. Just get it done with."

"This isn't causing you discomfort?" The doctor's voice seemed surprised.

"No," Lilly answered, annoyed. "I barely even feel it. Just finish the exam."

In a matter of moments the doctor did so.

"WEll, that didn't give me any answers. The good news is that I didn't find any abnormalities or masses to cause pain, but your vaginal muscles physically regecting the speculum just added a whole other level of strange to this case."

"Can't you give me corizone shots or something to relax the muscles that are tight?" Lilly meant her inner thigh muscles.

"Trigger point injections are for just a few areas. No way am I going to inject every area that hurts,because that would be just about everything from the hips down. You'd need an epidural for that," she joked.

Lilly sighed. No answers, and no help. Again.

"You're sure you have never been sexually abused."

That again.

"Yes, I'm sure." She made certain to look the woman in the eye and look convincing. She wanted to ask the doctor "what does it matter? That has nothing to do with this. Something that happened almost 20 years ago can't cause injury now." She wasn't a doctor, but she did know that much. It was impossible for the pain she was having now to have anything to do with what happened back then. Besides, they didn't do anything to her that would hurt her inner thighs.

"I'll give you a prescription for a muscle relaxant. Take one before bedtime, and only then."

Quickly the doctor wrote something on her prescription pad and handed it to Lilly.

Lilly sighed again as the doctor left the room. Something was better than nothing.

````````````` Okay Review Time!```````````````` Thoughts anyone? It's getting lonely in here.```````````````


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